The problem with ‘Good’

  I was looking through my old blogs and realized I needed to heed my own advice. This is one I wrote over a year ago. With school starting again, I think it's time to review praise and declarations and put them back into practice!

“Good job!” “That picture looks good!” “Looking good sweetie!” “You are a good brother!” “You are a good boy!”

 

Sounds ‘good,’ right? I thought so too… until the day when I told my son, “Remember – you are a good student! You are a good friend!” just before sending him off to school. 

He looked at me without saying a word, but his eyes told me plenty: “Oh, sure. Don’t worry about the bullies I just told you about and the fact that only 1 or 2 of all the kids like me. Don’t worry about the teacher that blames and punishes me with all the kids because she doesn’t know who did wrong. Don’t worry about the homework you yelled at me last night because I didn’t do it fast enough. Yeah – sure. I’m good?” 

When he was gone, I thought about what he had told me through that look. He was telling me he needed something different, but I didn’t know what. I had learned to use declarations, or positive affirmations to boost myself and my family up. I use them daily. What was wrong with saying what I said? Well, he just didn’t believe it, I thought. You are supposed to say it until you believe it. But that look had said so much MORE! I mulled and prayed.. and read.

I am reading a new favorite book of mine: Liberated Parents,Liberated Children by  Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It talked about just this thing. “To a lay person it always comes as a surprise when he praises a child generously and the child then becomes obnoxious. To the psychologist it's no mystery. He knows that children must throw off global praise, it's too confining. ...when we use global praise with children, we are practically asking for trouble." (pg. 57)

And that’s when it hit me: the phrase ‘You are a good student/friend” is too confining for him. My son hates authority, rules, and doing anything any way but his own. To say he IS good is like saying he HAS to be GOOD ALL THE TIME! To him, this is too much. Instead of trying, he gave up, made mischief and had as much fun as he could. Why try when it is impossible? 

So WHAT DO I DO??? 

My new favorite book had the answer as well: descriptive praise. Not a completely new concept to me; however, I was not using it correctly or effectively. This morning that changed.

I found something positive to ‘describe’ from the day before. When I woke him up I said, “Yesterday you told me how you earned a recognition in school. You said you were trying hard to pay attention even when the kids around you weren’t. That takes discipline and focus. You did it and got your reward. I wanted to tell you I appreciate your effort.” I then gave him a sticker in our reward system at home.

He smiled, and then told me he had talked with his brother the night before until after 9:00pm, (when he was supposed to be going to sleep) about the basketball tournament last weekend. I held back criticism and simply said, “I am happy you can talk to your brother about things that are important to you!” 

I didn’t even tell him to hurry up so he wouldn’t miss the bus; instead I simply said, “It is now 6:25.” He got up and got ready for school. Just before leaving he ran to me and said, “Today, when I get home from school I am going to take a 10 min break and then get right to work!”

That afternoon he took a longer break. He took all afternoon to do his chores and his homework. This time there was no badgering from me. I am finally learning to let him make his own decisions. He did finish his responsibilities. He even cleaned up his mess when he broke my glass measuring cup without me having to ask him to do it. Then I was able to describe that to him to: “I noticed when you made a mess, you went right ahead and cleaned it up. You swept all of the pieces off the floor. Where did you learn to clean up like that?”

He thought for a moment, “I guess I watched you and Dad do it.”

“You know. I am so glad you can watch Mom and Dad. Cleaning up after your mess was responsible. Thank you for cleaning up your mess!” His eyes beamed with pleasure. They were telling me a much different story than they had just the morning before.

Just before bed he said, “Tomorrow I am only going to take a 5 min break, and then get right to work!” Will he? Well, we will see. The day he does I will tell him, “Hey! You did exactly what you said you would. Now I know I can trust that when you say you will do something, you will.”

Oh… I almost forgot… about those declarations, “I am a good student! I am a good friend!”

They now read, “I am an attentive student!” and “I am a considerate and thoughtful friend!”

Now he will know exactly how to act, and he will believe he can.

The Parent “Trap”

“Because I’m the Mom!”

 “Do it because I said so!”

 “Don’t argue; just do it!” 

We’ve all been there, right? We’ve all been ones to say these phrases. Well, not just say them, shout them from the top of our lungs. Usually the argument prior to any of these phrases has been intense, Mom is at her wits end, and the authority of being MOM or DAD is supposed to win the power struggle. It may or may not have ended there. Maybe it didn’t, and now the power struggle involves a spanking, or a slap on the face. Tears well up in that dear child’s eyes, and in yours too. 

No one is the winner. 

I was right there. I still am there in many ways, but NOW, I am learning to be a Child Whisperer.

In The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle, a new way of viewing parenthood and children emerges. In reality, it is a new approach to this “Trap” of power struggles, as I call it here. Instead of the attitude that Mom or Dad is always right and that the children need to wordlessly obey, there is a presence of mutual respect. There is understanding and cooperation, on both ends.

Am I saying that the child should always get their way,
 NO WAY!

 Parents should always keep their role of guidance and teaching, of knowledgeable influence. But we can do it in a way that honors our children, and keeps us from guilt and regret.

Just yesterday my son and I were in a power struggle. I had asked him not to eat any more watermelon. A little while later he walked into the kitchen, and took a piece of watermelon. I caught his hand to stop him. He looked me in the eye, jerked his hand away and bit the watermelon. 

Before my Child Whispering days I would call that outright rebellion. Now, I understand that it’s just his nature as a Energy Type 3 child to be so determined that when I say, “NO!” it becomes a challenge to him. But do I just let that go? “Well, I guess he’s determined and it doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll do it anyway.” There are times when I DO want him to immediately obey. Is eating more watermelon really that important? No, but getting out of the house in case of a fire, or moving or stopping so that some other danger does not befall him or a sibling IS. So, where is the line? Where and when do I push and when do I not? 

It came to a discussion. I explained the facts to him. I told him I appreciated his determination to always reach his goals, that he had a direct desire and that he honored that. I also told him that there were sometimes that his goals might come in direct conflict with people of authority: a parent, a teacher, a religious leader, a law officer. In these situations, it was very important that he stop, re-think his goal, and honor that person in authority. In the aftermath of our power struggle, I wasn’t sure of its efficacy. Today, however, there were no arguments. He did what I asked him to do without argument. He felt honored, and he honored back.

Carol Tuttle says, “Discipline at its best is educational, instructional, inspiring, and motivation. It’s an opportunity to teach.” (The Child Whisperer pg. 340)

Isn’t that the goal of every parent? To teach, to instruct, to inspire, to motivate, to guide our children to success. The "Parent Trap" we fall into is a path of force, of punishment, even sometimes of spite and pride. We want our kids to obey because, well, because we are the parents. We think it would be easier to force, to demand; and we feel it would be gratifying to have our kids obey in an instant, no matter what, even if it goes directly against their nature. For example, maybe your daughter is shy and wants to play alone instead of with the friends you invited over for dinner. Do you badger her to play with them? Or respect her choice? Or what about the son who does NOT want to share his special toy? Do you honor that desire, or punish him for not sharing? 

I’m excited that I had the eyes to pin point this “trap” that was ensnaring me. Do I want my kids to do something just because it might be better for me? or because that is the 'right' thing to do?

These are the amazing insights that The Child Whisperer gives into our own true nature, and that of our children. 

I look forward to the many years ahead of me, as I work to build relationships with my children that are based on love and honor for each other just as we are.  

Do you REALLY believe your Deaf child can succeed? Raising Deaf Children with Dreams, Success, and Confidence

“He’s not smart, he’s deaf.” – 5 year old brother

This comment made me realize what society teaches even when the family believes the opposite.
I began to actively teach the concept of “We Succeed Because We can” to all of my children, hearing and deaf.

“I’m preparing my students for middle school. They MUST learn to read and write.”
~ while neglecting the content curriculum ~

“Write about your dreams. I’m not talking about playing football kinds of dreams. 
I’m talking about college or what you want to do when you grow up.” 

~ paraphrased from a teacher’s instructions. ~

These comments and more were some of the reasons I brought my son home to home school him.

“You can’t … You’re deaf.” - classmate
“You want to be an _________? That’s impossible. You’re deaf!” 

~ Fill in the blank, almost every career or job has been found in such a sentence. ~
~ Many times spoken by teachers, parents, and specialists. ~

. . . And these comments were a huge concern for me when I put my son in a local mainstream classroom.

Would you know how he responded back?

 “I’m Deaf and I can do anything. 

Deaf and Hearing should be equal.” 

His brother, who had written a paper on his dream that Deaf and hearing people would be equal and have equal access to education, language, and careers was a support to him that day. He received permission to take his classmates and show them the paper which was hanging in the hall. He wasn’t the only one who knew it was OK to be deaf, and he wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself.
 

Bullying deaf children happens on a daily basis. Whether it’s society, their teacher, their parents, a hearing peer, or a neighbor. It doesn’t matter if it’s a deaf school or a public school. I’ve also come to see that it doesn’t matter so much if you use ASL, hearing aids, CI; talk or not. It’s an issue all deaf children, and even adults, face. For years, deafness has been seen as a disability. For years, deaf children have been told, or have just even felt, they can’t succeed.

I later asked my son, "What helped you respond so confidently to those kids? You knew they were wrong and weren't scared to tell them so. How did you know that?"

"That poster." He answered.

He's talking about a poster my husband made, "We Succeed Because We Can."

When my son was 5 and was asked this question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" he answered, like every other 5 year old boy, “A fireman, or a cop.”  

 I was tempted to tell him, “That’s not possible because you can’t hear.” Luckily, I didn’t. I let him dream. He still loves firemen and policemen, though his ambitions have opened up to include construction, science, engineering, foresting, being a comedian and story teller, and more.

I am privileged to have married a dreamer. He knew the meaning of We Succeed Because We Can more than many and is sharing that very message. He introduced me to 48 successful Deaf adults of the 21^st century as he developed his poster. He taught my children about these same people, who have succeeded and thrived in careers never thought possible for a Deaf Person. It is their stories that gave my son the confidence to stand up for himself.

Seth Terkhorn, Fireman

Seth grew up and became a volunteer fire fighter during high school. He liked helping out, giving back. When he went to college at RIT, he applied to volunteer there. His first application was denied, but he went to the next town over.

"He drives the department’s rescue truck and responds to house fires, helping set up hoses outside the structures. He can lip read well and has even been more of an asset when deaf patients have been involved in car accidents—he asked in sign language whether the victims were hurt." 

And he's not alone. The article notes there are around 50 deaf firefighters nation wide.

Keith Nolan, Army ROTC.

"Nolan, 29 and deaf, has been trying for decades to join the U.S. military. While some of his persistence has paid off -- he's passed the first two levels of ROTC, joining the Bravo Company at California State University -- he's currently prohibited from moving on to level three." 

He is continuing the battle, working with legislatures to allow him to serve in the army. Over 80% of army jobs are noncombat, which deaf can qualify for. 

He says, "Each morning I get up and put on my uniform, I feel privileged," Nolan said, "It's truly an honor to wear that uniform."

Real People, Real Stories, Real Success

I heard one time that . . .
"True success lies in discovering what you love to do, and finding someone to pay you to do it."

 

So.. Let them dream.

Then give them the skills the need to achieve, 

no matter how long it takes;

 no matter what we have to fight for.

Get your own We Succeed Because We Can poster!

"Oh the Thinks You Can Think"

Yup... Dr. Seuss.

Revered by all educators and parents everywhere, Dr. Seuss is a legend. Right?

But... have you ever tried to sign a Dr. Seuss story in ASL? Now that's a different story. I would balk at trying to translate any Dr. Seuss story into ASL. Attempting to translate the rhyme and the nonsense words was pointless to me. The books that tell actual stories: Horton Hears a Who, etc. would get my best ASL story telling skills, but the rhyme never translated. Being hearing myself, I always felt like my kids were missing out on something. Something I had no way to give them....

 

Until I found "Hands Land: ASL Rhymes & Rhythms." This project is underway and is creating great resources for deaf children. I love their translation of Dr. Seuss' "Hop On Pop". It inspired me. When I saw our copy of Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Thinks You Can Think," I knew I had to try my hand at reading it to my kids.

It was an instant success! My 20 month old was copying the signs with me from the 2nd page, learning 2 new signs the first time I read it. When my older children arrived home, I had them sit down so I could sign it to them. They, of course, helped me add and revise the translation. It was so fun!

Hope you enjoy the video! And the next time you pick up a Dr. Seuss book... just Think of all the Thinks you Can Think - and start signing away!

*Insert educational strategies note for teachers and parents. This video was signed, filmed, edited and captioned by my son and I. He is 8. He took the pictures, then uploaded and added them. He did about half of the editing, captions, and more than half of the signing.

This is a FABULOUS project idea for deaf children! Video recording their own stories is such a confidence builder. It allows them to see their storytelling as real. They are able to watch their story and analyze the language: what could have been more clear? Do I like the story I told? I love using iPADs for this strategy, allowing the kids to have an ASL journal or Free composing time using the built in webcams.

Then, when my son sat down at the computer to edit and started to caption it, I was blown away! Inside, I was jumping up and down. In reality, I calmly said, "That's a great idea!" Having students watch their ASL and transcribe it into English is a great way to have them really understand how to link ASL to English. He sat there watching himself sign, trying to figure out how to put it in English words. It was great. We worked together on a lot of it. I ended up finishing it because it was getting too long... and we had some other interesting events happen that I'll post about soon! 

I Didn't Know I was Sick

Last week, I was tested for Celiac's Disease.

It was negative, the Dr. Said it's very hard to diagnose. 

After reading all the information and symptoms and really thinking about my body and my life, I think I may still have Celiac's... if not, I'm pretty sure I'm Gluten Intolerant. 

Here's the thing... I didn't realize I was sick!

14 years ago I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel syndrome. I was told to avoid dairy and sent on my way. The next Dr. I saw said, "There's really no such thing as IBS, it's just our diet: eat a balance diet of fiber, whole grains, etc. You'll be fine." 

That is the advice I have followed. I have been mostly dairy free ( I cheat once in a while) ever since, focused on whole grains, including whole wheat, vegetables, and reducing processed foods. As kids came and I was working full time, this habits started to wane. I have been working hard to get back into them the last two years, but have not eaten as well as I should. 

I have found great help in managing my symptoms with essential oils and natural supplements. My headaches went away, but then they came back. I never made a connection between all of my symptoms. 

Here is the list.. and my comments:

Constipation (and other digestive disorders)
Brain fog  (I've had a lot of this lately - again, I thought it was just not enough sleep)
Numbness in the limbs (mine is always after sleep... Thought I'd slept wrong and that was normal)
Anxiety and depression (I manage mine with the oils and supplements... Not so bad...)
Acne and skin issues (yup.. got that - again, thanks for the help from oils!)
Fatigue....(I'm a Mom that never gets enough sleep)

Joint and muscle pain (Doesn't everyone have that? Again, I didn't realize I may have more than the norm, or that I shouldn't have it at all... And this has gotten worse lately.)
Headaches:  (this is a big one for me. I thought it was just my hormones, maybe my IUD, but I have fought headaches all my life.)
Weight loss and other signs of malnutrition:  (yup, I've lost weight, I'm just under normal. I've been losing my hair more than normal, and wondering why.)

So... I've realized, my symptoms have gotten progressively worse over the last few months. I had just kept on going, not realizing what was happening.

Gluten Intolerance is becoming more prevalent.

Celiac disease is hereditary. Only 3% of those with Celiac disease are actually diagnosed.  

Hmmm... I started my Gluten Free journey last Saturday. After only 6 days, I am feeling some improvements. I also started a nutritional cleanse at the same time. I have had less tummy issues, less muscle and joint pain, and my  headaches have been mostly manageable with only essential oils. It's supposed to take 6-8 weeks to really see a difference in the headaches. With how much better my tummy feels, though, I'm curious to see the real results in a few weeks! Besides, this is forcing me to make the changes I have wanted to make for a long time: less processed food, less sugar and JUNK, and more whole foods, veggies and fruits! 

While this isn't a Health and Wellness Blog necessarily, I will have a post now and again about my health and that of my family. Health and Education go hand in hand - we need them both! And... they coincide so much! See our Health and Wellness page for more info and I hope you will follow us and come back often for updates!

Effective Instructional Strategies for Deaf Students (and really all students)

I received a message from a reader the other day. He is the father of a deaf son, and he was heartbroken from my post. "So you had him in a Deaf school and it didn't work? And here I'm thinking a Deaf school is what my son needs!" 

Another question from a phone conversation a month back, "What do you look for in a good program or a school for your deaf child? How do I know if it's a good school?" 

This post is my answer. 

No matter what kind of program you decide to place your child:a residential school for the Deaf, a day program, a magnet school, there are some basic strategies that will make or break any program. A classroom teacher that implements effective strategies and an administration that encourages and requires such strategies will be a more successful program.

When we told the IEP team we were bringing my son home, the comments we got were supportive: “My grandsons were all homeschooled.” And this one I love, “School is not for everyone.” Well. My son did great in school until last year. Unfortunately, effective strategies were not used consistently in his classroom. Maybe ‘school’ in the traditional sense of skill and drill isn’t for everyone, but school COULD and SHOULD be for everyone. If we would change a few instructional practices, children would be able to thrive no matter what their ‘special need.’ And all children would benefit. How many 3^rd graders do you know like to sit and do work sheets and independent work all day?

In my work as a teacher of the deaf, and now even more as a parent of deaf children; I have seen what strategies will really engage your students/children, and others that will cause behavior problems, boredom and poor overall achievement. The table below shows ineffective instructional strategies and effective instructional strategies. Keep in mind, the ineffective strategies can be used in instruction; it’s how often they are used and to what extent. We all need a little skill and drill to practice and retain information, but too much is too much! Each Strategy will be summarized in my next post (this one is getting too long). I’ll be including posts on examples of many as we do activities here at home that match the strategies. 

The overuse of strategies found in the left column and the absence of strategies in the right, and the effect it was having on my child, is what finally caused me to take him out of school and start home school. 

My advice for parents looking for a good program for their child? 

1. Tour the school while school is in session, observing the teachers and the students during instructional time.
2. Review the school's language policy and philosophy. Use this, but don't base everything on it. For example, Utah's language policy is decades old, and their actual classroom practices in the elementary grades are much better then their language policy implies.
3. Interview the administration, teachers and staff. Question the use of the effective strategies listed on the right. What is the administration's commitment to making sure these are carried out in the classroom?
4. Try to find another parent in the area that has a child attending the school. (This might be tricky) - or review the school's website and reviews online.
5. Search for videos the school may have produced. I know some great schools are out there because of the videos they have published on YouTube. Check out these! Animals in ASL by California School for the Deaf Riverside.      Wizard of Oz by Florida School for the Deaf,  

 I'd be happy to be a "sounding board" for your questions concerning programs you are considering! Leave me a comment or email me: oilsempowerparents@gmail.com