The problem with ‘Good’

  I was looking through my old blogs and realized I needed to heed my own advice. This is one I wrote over a year ago. With school starting again, I think it's time to review praise and declarations and put them back into practice!

“Good job!” “That picture looks good!” “Looking good sweetie!” “You are a good brother!” “You are a good boy!”

 

Sounds ‘good,’ right? I thought so too… until the day when I told my son, “Remember – you are a good student! You are a good friend!” just before sending him off to school. 

He looked at me without saying a word, but his eyes told me plenty: “Oh, sure. Don’t worry about the bullies I just told you about and the fact that only 1 or 2 of all the kids like me. Don’t worry about the teacher that blames and punishes me with all the kids because she doesn’t know who did wrong. Don’t worry about the homework you yelled at me last night because I didn’t do it fast enough. Yeah – sure. I’m good?” 

When he was gone, I thought about what he had told me through that look. He was telling me he needed something different, but I didn’t know what. I had learned to use declarations, or positive affirmations to boost myself and my family up. I use them daily. What was wrong with saying what I said? Well, he just didn’t believe it, I thought. You are supposed to say it until you believe it. But that look had said so much MORE! I mulled and prayed.. and read.

I am reading a new favorite book of mine: Liberated Parents,Liberated Children by  Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It talked about just this thing. “To a lay person it always comes as a surprise when he praises a child generously and the child then becomes obnoxious. To the psychologist it's no mystery. He knows that children must throw off global praise, it's too confining. ...when we use global praise with children, we are practically asking for trouble." (pg. 57)

And that’s when it hit me: the phrase ‘You are a good student/friend” is too confining for him. My son hates authority, rules, and doing anything any way but his own. To say he IS good is like saying he HAS to be GOOD ALL THE TIME! To him, this is too much. Instead of trying, he gave up, made mischief and had as much fun as he could. Why try when it is impossible? 

So WHAT DO I DO??? 

My new favorite book had the answer as well: descriptive praise. Not a completely new concept to me; however, I was not using it correctly or effectively. This morning that changed.

I found something positive to ‘describe’ from the day before. When I woke him up I said, “Yesterday you told me how you earned a recognition in school. You said you were trying hard to pay attention even when the kids around you weren’t. That takes discipline and focus. You did it and got your reward. I wanted to tell you I appreciate your effort.” I then gave him a sticker in our reward system at home.

He smiled, and then told me he had talked with his brother the night before until after 9:00pm, (when he was supposed to be going to sleep) about the basketball tournament last weekend. I held back criticism and simply said, “I am happy you can talk to your brother about things that are important to you!” 

I didn’t even tell him to hurry up so he wouldn’t miss the bus; instead I simply said, “It is now 6:25.” He got up and got ready for school. Just before leaving he ran to me and said, “Today, when I get home from school I am going to take a 10 min break and then get right to work!”

That afternoon he took a longer break. He took all afternoon to do his chores and his homework. This time there was no badgering from me. I am finally learning to let him make his own decisions. He did finish his responsibilities. He even cleaned up his mess when he broke my glass measuring cup without me having to ask him to do it. Then I was able to describe that to him to: “I noticed when you made a mess, you went right ahead and cleaned it up. You swept all of the pieces off the floor. Where did you learn to clean up like that?”

He thought for a moment, “I guess I watched you and Dad do it.”

“You know. I am so glad you can watch Mom and Dad. Cleaning up after your mess was responsible. Thank you for cleaning up your mess!” His eyes beamed with pleasure. They were telling me a much different story than they had just the morning before.

Just before bed he said, “Tomorrow I am only going to take a 5 min break, and then get right to work!” Will he? Well, we will see. The day he does I will tell him, “Hey! You did exactly what you said you would. Now I know I can trust that when you say you will do something, you will.”

Oh… I almost forgot… about those declarations, “I am a good student! I am a good friend!”

They now read, “I am an attentive student!” and “I am a considerate and thoughtful friend!”

Now he will know exactly how to act, and he will believe he can.

The Parent “Trap”

“Because I’m the Mom!”

 “Do it because I said so!”

 “Don’t argue; just do it!” 

We’ve all been there, right? We’ve all been ones to say these phrases. Well, not just say them, shout them from the top of our lungs. Usually the argument prior to any of these phrases has been intense, Mom is at her wits end, and the authority of being MOM or DAD is supposed to win the power struggle. It may or may not have ended there. Maybe it didn’t, and now the power struggle involves a spanking, or a slap on the face. Tears well up in that dear child’s eyes, and in yours too. 

No one is the winner. 

I was right there. I still am there in many ways, but NOW, I am learning to be a Child Whisperer.

In The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle, a new way of viewing parenthood and children emerges. In reality, it is a new approach to this “Trap” of power struggles, as I call it here. Instead of the attitude that Mom or Dad is always right and that the children need to wordlessly obey, there is a presence of mutual respect. There is understanding and cooperation, on both ends.

Am I saying that the child should always get their way,
 NO WAY!

 Parents should always keep their role of guidance and teaching, of knowledgeable influence. But we can do it in a way that honors our children, and keeps us from guilt and regret.

Just yesterday my son and I were in a power struggle. I had asked him not to eat any more watermelon. A little while later he walked into the kitchen, and took a piece of watermelon. I caught his hand to stop him. He looked me in the eye, jerked his hand away and bit the watermelon. 

Before my Child Whispering days I would call that outright rebellion. Now, I understand that it’s just his nature as a Energy Type 3 child to be so determined that when I say, “NO!” it becomes a challenge to him. But do I just let that go? “Well, I guess he’s determined and it doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll do it anyway.” There are times when I DO want him to immediately obey. Is eating more watermelon really that important? No, but getting out of the house in case of a fire, or moving or stopping so that some other danger does not befall him or a sibling IS. So, where is the line? Where and when do I push and when do I not? 

It came to a discussion. I explained the facts to him. I told him I appreciated his determination to always reach his goals, that he had a direct desire and that he honored that. I also told him that there were sometimes that his goals might come in direct conflict with people of authority: a parent, a teacher, a religious leader, a law officer. In these situations, it was very important that he stop, re-think his goal, and honor that person in authority. In the aftermath of our power struggle, I wasn’t sure of its efficacy. Today, however, there were no arguments. He did what I asked him to do without argument. He felt honored, and he honored back.

Carol Tuttle says, “Discipline at its best is educational, instructional, inspiring, and motivation. It’s an opportunity to teach.” (The Child Whisperer pg. 340)

Isn’t that the goal of every parent? To teach, to instruct, to inspire, to motivate, to guide our children to success. The "Parent Trap" we fall into is a path of force, of punishment, even sometimes of spite and pride. We want our kids to obey because, well, because we are the parents. We think it would be easier to force, to demand; and we feel it would be gratifying to have our kids obey in an instant, no matter what, even if it goes directly against their nature. For example, maybe your daughter is shy and wants to play alone instead of with the friends you invited over for dinner. Do you badger her to play with them? Or respect her choice? Or what about the son who does NOT want to share his special toy? Do you honor that desire, or punish him for not sharing? 

I’m excited that I had the eyes to pin point this “trap” that was ensnaring me. Do I want my kids to do something just because it might be better for me? or because that is the 'right' thing to do?

These are the amazing insights that The Child Whisperer gives into our own true nature, and that of our children. 

I look forward to the many years ahead of me, as I work to build relationships with my children that are based on love and honor for each other just as we are.  

Our Sensory Table

"Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood." - Fred Rogers

In classic 3rd grade classrooms, you probably would not find a sensory table, but for our home school that we share with a toddler and a 4 year old, we have decided it is a necessity!

Sensory activities allow creative and open-ended play. They allow for problem solving, pretend play, investigation, exploration and experiments. It's also great for a break between activities that require more focus, transition times, and times of stress and anger. For more information on sensory processing and aiding kids with anxiety and anger you can click here: Lemon Lime Adventures

A great resource for more activities (and where I found some of these below): FunAtHomeWithKids.com

Making Color Beans and Pasta

Materials:

jar with a lid or seal-able container

food coloring (we used neon)

beans (pinto or white worked best)

Macaroni or other pasta

wax paper

Procedure:

1. Drop the food color into the jar with the pasta. 

(15 drops to 1 cup pasta/beans)

2. Make sure the lid is on tight and SHAKE!!

3. Pour out onto the wax paper and spread out to dry.

Enjoy!

Add Educational Activities:

Sorting and Labeling: add objects related to your activity, or sort and label the different colors, beans and pasta, etc.

Language Arts: vocabulary and spelling practice, letter identification. Adjectives: make a list of words that describe what is in your sensory table.

Math: count the beans and noodles, group and compare, hide flash cards with math operations.

Science: create a habitat or world inside your sensory table. We're going to use the materials below for a pond/swamp world. We will learn about the animal groups that live there. 

Another great sensory table activity: Kinetic Sand.

Also known as "indoor sand," this is sand that holds together more than natural sand. It is very therapeutic. Adults love playing in it just as much as kids. We've already made sand castles and shapes and messes. Luckily, it's a lot easier to clean up than real sand too!

 

Wait! We're not finished! One more! These are water marbles.        

You can purchase them at Time to Play

They start out tiny!

Put them in a bin and pour water over them.

We had fun watching them grow!

Here they are at full size!

This is one of our FAVORITE sensory activities!***

                                            ***just make sure the little ones don't eat them!

Effective Instructional Strategies for Deaf Students (and really all students)

I received a message from a reader the other day. He is the father of a deaf son, and he was heartbroken from my post. "So you had him in a Deaf school and it didn't work? And here I'm thinking a Deaf school is what my son needs!" 

Another question from a phone conversation a month back, "What do you look for in a good program or a school for your deaf child? How do I know if it's a good school?" 

This post is my answer. 

No matter what kind of program you decide to place your child:a residential school for the Deaf, a day program, a magnet school, there are some basic strategies that will make or break any program. A classroom teacher that implements effective strategies and an administration that encourages and requires such strategies will be a more successful program.

When we told the IEP team we were bringing my son home, the comments we got were supportive: “My grandsons were all homeschooled.” And this one I love, “School is not for everyone.” Well. My son did great in school until last year. Unfortunately, effective strategies were not used consistently in his classroom. Maybe ‘school’ in the traditional sense of skill and drill isn’t for everyone, but school COULD and SHOULD be for everyone. If we would change a few instructional practices, children would be able to thrive no matter what their ‘special need.’ And all children would benefit. How many 3^rd graders do you know like to sit and do work sheets and independent work all day?

In my work as a teacher of the deaf, and now even more as a parent of deaf children; I have seen what strategies will really engage your students/children, and others that will cause behavior problems, boredom and poor overall achievement. The table below shows ineffective instructional strategies and effective instructional strategies. Keep in mind, the ineffective strategies can be used in instruction; it’s how often they are used and to what extent. We all need a little skill and drill to practice and retain information, but too much is too much! Each Strategy will be summarized in my next post (this one is getting too long). I’ll be including posts on examples of many as we do activities here at home that match the strategies. 

The overuse of strategies found in the left column and the absence of strategies in the right, and the effect it was having on my child, is what finally caused me to take him out of school and start home school. 

My advice for parents looking for a good program for their child? 

1. Tour the school while school is in session, observing the teachers and the students during instructional time.
2. Review the school's language policy and philosophy. Use this, but don't base everything on it. For example, Utah's language policy is decades old, and their actual classroom practices in the elementary grades are much better then their language policy implies.
3. Interview the administration, teachers and staff. Question the use of the effective strategies listed on the right. What is the administration's commitment to making sure these are carried out in the classroom?
4. Try to find another parent in the area that has a child attending the school. (This might be tricky) - or review the school's website and reviews online.
5. Search for videos the school may have produced. I know some great schools are out there because of the videos they have published on YouTube. Check out these! Animals in ASL by California School for the Deaf Riverside.      Wizard of Oz by Florida School for the Deaf,  

 I'd be happy to be a "sounding board" for your questions concerning programs you are considering! Leave me a comment or email me: oilsempowerparents@gmail.com